Fear Of Pregnancy And Birth

Me, Joel and Baby Emaline

I had no idea how afraid I was to become a mother, until I found out I was pregnant.

Prior to conceiving my oldest daughter, I had all these big ideas about what I was supposed to be doing with myself and how I should be living my life. A lot of my choices had to do with what I was shown throughout my life. The model I was most familiar with was to have a secure well paying job, find love, get married and then have a child. As I roll my eyes at this now, it really is the mainstream of the “perfect” life, that people "should" strive for. This model was definitely engrained into my mindset at a very young age. Why do we attempt to put ourselves into this box and then when we don’t stay within it, it brings feelings of failure and unworthiness?

I felt pressure from my cultural upbringing to NEVER have a child out of wedlock. NEVER. And if you did, you were secretly shamed for life. But there was also the societal pressure around getting older. I was about to turn 30 years old and SOCIETY led me to believe that you shouldn’t have children after a certain age. Not just for health reasons but also this idea that when we get older we become less nimble with low energy and wouldn’t be able to keep up with little ones. I heard people talk of not wanting to “deal” with teenagers while in their “golden” years. Well, I’ve experienced higher energy levels in my late 30’s than I have in my entire life! So stick it, society! (Also, I currently have family members in their 40’s that have newborns and are thriving!)

There I was, turning 30 and in discussion with my husband, to have a “conscious” pregnancy. Conscious in quotations as I now understand that I actually wasn’t conscious to this decision at all. I giggle and cry at the same time when I reflect on this. I had no idea what was coming. We were married a year and it was the perfect time to try having kids! Right??? We recently had a conversation about our decision and we both agree that it wouldn’t have been so bad to have enjoyed each other without children for 4 or 5 years. It happened as it was meant to though and now, we look for ways to enjoy each other WITH kids. Which looks very different. And we laugh about it often. I also had this desire to see what our child would look like. Which I’m sure many women ponder, when they meet the love of their life.

So, there were my reasons. All the reasons I wanted to become a mother was someone else’s ideas. I just wanted to have a child, it wasn’t my “plan” to become a mother. Sounds selfish but this was my truth. And I had no idea what being a mother meant, when I actually thought about it. I mean, I knew what being a mother looked like through other eyes, but even that, isn't what it really is.

I remember the night we got the positive on the pregnancy test, I CRIED. They weren’t tears of joy. They were tears of FEAR. I had this overwhelming sensation take over my body, like I was going to be eaten by a dinosaur. I wanted to flee but how the heck do you flee from your own body?!? I was in it and there was no where to go. And then of course, enter self talk...How was I pregnant?!? I wasn’t ready to be a mom! I have no idea what I’m doing!! What does this mean? What will this look like? What will it do to my body? What will it feel like? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! I was TERRIFIED. Even though, it all went as planned and I received what I asked for, I was never more scared about anything in my life.

The fear didn’t leave me during my pregnancy. I was commuting far for work at the time and eventually had to take an early leave as I was experiencing dizzy spells while sitting down, so driving was out of the question. I spent a lot of time at home near the end of my pregnancy. I kept hoping this feeling, of fear, would leave me. On the surface, I was fine but the deep fear was there and strong. I was able to robot through and I kept myself distracted. I had continuous Braxton Hicks (false labour contractions) in my last trimester. I now view these as a little nudge from my fetus to get my shit together and address the Fear, but even if I were to face it, I wouldn’t have known where to start.

I did every thing I could to try to control the birth as control was a way I felt safe. Her due date kept changing and I was hoping for support from my husband over March break as he was a teacher. So I read and heard that Evening Primrose can help move things along. So the day before march break, I popped an open gel capsule up the tunnel and by the next morning I was having legit contractions. Yay me! I thought. Well, I have since learned that allowing the child to come into the world on their terms, which ever that may be, is the best for the relationship. I often attribute her despise of being RUSHED to this very thing. Making her come when she wasn't ready. Whether this is the case or not, it made my eye brows raise when I thought about it more deeply.

When I think back to the events at the hospital, most would think things moved quickly but everything felt like it was in slow motion. I sat in a tub of warm water for pain which made it non existent. I didn't want to get out. EVER. But the ward was busy with lots of babies and they needed the room, so "how about we get you on the bed and break your water?" Uhhhhh, ok. "Your OB just arrived, it's the perfect time". Really though? Was it really the perfect time? It was FEAR that was stalling her arrival. That was the only thing coming between me and my first born. Little did I know, the unresolved Fear would have a huge impact on my daughters birth and how she experienced the world in her body.

Enter, Emaline.

There was meconium in the amniotic fluid (she pooped in the amniotic sac), so they took her from me immediately. They suction their lungs to ensure no meconium has entered their lungs. Hi! Welcome to Earth, let me stick this thing down your throat, that makes a loud noise under these bright lights and sucks out your insides. You're Welcome! Yeah, at the time I shared with everyone that her birth was pretty routine. I realized later, that was traumatic for her and for me.

As Emaline grew, she was the type of kid that had a lot of fear of people, things, sounds. She was sensitive to light at times. She was my child that had separation anxiety. We butted heads a lot and often had conflicts around timing of things. She was frequently ill which now I see as a sign of not feeling safe in her body. Something I was experiencing during my pregnancy and her birth but also throughout my life.

It was through the Soul Parent | Spiritual Child™ Programs that I was able to come back to these experiences and relive them from a place of awareness that then changed the way I looked at my relationship with her. I no longer saw her as this child who was trying to ruin my life on the daily. I saw her as this beautiful being that required a safe space to be heard and held. As did I in those moments of fear that I was not able to express. She needed what I needed. What I felt, she felt. My fear was now her fear. Our connection is, as one.

There's so much to share about my journey with this child, I would not be able to fit it all in one post! I'm excited to share more about my experiences with all of my children. Subscribe and receive new blog posts of my continued journey and how the SPSC programs have helped shift my family dynamic and the relationships that I have with my children.

If you are seeking support in your relationship with your child or you are pregnant and want to face the emotions that surface prior to your Childs arrival, I would love to connect with you and hear more about your journey. You can book a complimentary consultation call with me below.